Choices Regretted
by dayglo1
Summary: Grissom knew about Eddie's affair, so why didn't he tell Catherine? Sequel to Choices Made **Finished!!**
1. Consumed by the Chill of Solitary

Title: Choices Regretted  
  
Chapter 1-Consumed by the Chill of Solitary  
  
Summary: And all I really want is some patience/ A way to calm the angry voice/ And all I really want is deliverance   
  
Author's Notes: Thanks to all of you who asked me to go ahead with a sequel to Choices Made. This is it, I hope it doesn't disapoint. It's also set before the show begins(At least so far. I'm not really sure where I'm gonna take this.) This chapter alternates between Catherine and Grissom's POV. Hopefully it will be pretty obvious who's POV it is when. The song All I Really Want is by Alanis Morissette.  
  
Disclaimers: Not mine. Song's not mine either. Don't sue, I have no money.  
  
Spoilers: Minor for Pledging Mr. Johnson, I guess.  
  
  
Do I stress you out   
My sweater is on backwards and inside out   
And you say how appropriate I don't want to dissect everything today   
I don't mean to pick you apart you see   
But I can't help it   
  
  
  
I angrily knock on Grissom's door. He opens it and I storm past him, then whirl around to face him. "How dare you! I don't believe you!"  
  
He looks at me, obviously having no idea what I'm upset about. "What are you talking about Catherine?", he questions, approaching me with a hand out to try and calm me down.  
  
  
  
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off   
Slap me with a splintered ruler   
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already   
  
  
  
I recoil away from him, "You knew! You knew and you didn't tell me!"  
  
He opens his mouth, about to ask another question, when I cut him off. "Eddie! You knew about him and his little…playtoy and you didn't tell me! What the hell, Grissom?!"  
  
He looks at me with an unmistakable look of guilt on his face, "Catherine…"  
  
  
  
If only I could hunt the hunter   
And all I really want is some patience   
A way to calm the angry voice   
  
  
  
Damn. She found out. And Eddie obviously told her that I already knew. Why not break up a friendship as well, since he was already breaking her heart? She continues to yell at me, demanding answers I just can't give.  
  
  
  
And all I really want is deliverance   
  
  
  
How do I tell her that I was afraid she would try to kill herself again? I told her that I would never hold that moment of weakness against her, and I never have. But really, how can I know that it won't happen again?  
  
  
  
Do I wear you out   
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out   
  
  
  
As I continue to yell, I notice the look on Gil's face and I begin to wonder if he's even listening to me anymore. I take a step closer to him, "Damn it Gil, tell me what the hell's going on! Why didn't you tell me?!"  
  
He looks at me with weary eyes, "Catherine I can't, please…"  
  
  
  
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary   
I'm like Estella I like to reel it in and then spit it out   
  
  
  
I step back again as he tries to approach me. I won't let him get near me, if he touches me I'll break into tears, and I won't, not in front of him, not now. I refuse to.  
  
  
  
I'm frustrated by your apathy   
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land   
If only I could meet the Maker   
  
  
  
Seeing that I still won't let him near me, his shoulders sag, and he gives up, turning away from me and heading further into his house. I follow him, unable and unwilling to believe that he'd just let it go like that. I need to have an answer. "Dammit Grissom, answer me!"  
  
  
  
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man   
I am humbled by his humble nature   
  
  
  
He sits down on the couch and looks up at me. He begins to speak, haltingly, "I was afraid…" He pauses and I impatiently motion with my hand for him to continue. Finally, he lets it all out in a rush of breath, "I was afraid you'd try to commit suicide again if I told you and I knew that I couldn't handle that. I'm sorry Catherine."  
  
  
  
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate   
Someone else to catch this drift   
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred   
  
  
  
I watch as her face turns pale and she sags into a chair next to the couch. It wounds me more than she'll ever know to see her like this, but there is nothing I can do. I sit and wait patiently for the explosion that I know will eventually come. I know her too well.  
  
  
  
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute   
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while   
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses   
Falling all around...all around   
  
  
  
After I process what he's just told me, I spring up from the chair I'm sitting in. As I continue to yell, I try desperately to keep the tears at bay. I will not let him see what his words have done to me, how much they have wounded and devastated me. "You swore to me that you'd never hold that against me! I told you that it would never happen again, I promised you! I believed your promise, why the hell couldn't you believe mine?!" Try as I might, I cannot escape the lone tear that falls down my face.  
  
  
  
Why are you so petrified of silence   
Here can you handle this?   
  
  
  
I watch the tear roll down her face, but I say nothing. I know she's expecting something from me, but I have nothing left to give her but silence.  
  
  
  
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines   
Or when you think you're gonna die   
Or did you long for the next distraction   
  
  
  
I watch her continue to struggle with her emotions and I wonder what she's thinking. If, like me, she's remembering the day she decided to give up. Or, if she's thinking about Eddie, or Lindsey, or work. Finally, I decide she's probably trying to find a way to break the silence, which for some reason has always been her greatest enemy.  
  
  
  
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse   
A soul to dig the hole much deeper   
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying   
If only I could kill the killer   
  
  
  
It's been several minutes, and he still hasn't spoken, and I hate him even more for that. He knows how much I despise silence. I can feel it choking me as he continues to sit and look at me. I will him to say something, anything, just to break the silence.  
  
  
  
All I really want is some peace man  
A place to find a common ground   
  
  
  
I don't say anything as I see another tear fall, and I'm not going to. It's up to her. She has to tell me what she's thinking, what she's feeling. I have nothing left to give.  
  
  
  
And all I really want is a wavelength   
  
  
  
When it becomes obvious that he's waiting for me to make the next move, I turn on my heel and flee the house. I run blindly to my car as the tears cloud my eyes. I had hoped that he would talk to me, tell me what was going on in his head. But he wouldn't, or perhaps couldn't.  
  
  
  
All I really want is some comfort   
A way to get my hands untied   
  
  
  
I start the car and drive to a park before parking and slumping in my seat. With my head in my hands, I finally allow myself to cry. I cry harder than I ever had before, sobbing so hard that it feels as though my lungs will burst. I wish for someone to comfort me, and I begin to cry even harder when I realize that I just ran out on the only person who could help me.  
  
  
  
And all I really want is some justice...   
  
TBC 


	2. Across My Memory

Title: Choices Regretted  
  
Chapter 2-Across My Memory  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks for all of the feedback! The song is called Once Upon a December. All other notes and stuff in the first chapter.  
  
Summary: Far away, long ago/ Glowing dim as an ember,/ Things my heart used to know,/ Things it yearns to remember...  
  
  
  
When I finally stop crying, I start the car back up and head home. When I reach it, I immediately go upstairs and crawl into bed, pulling the blanket up to my chin and feeling miserable. How could he not believe me? I believed him. I have always believed him.  
  
  
Dancing bears,  
Painted wings  
Things I almost remember  
  
  
I don't really remember much about when I attempted suicide. I remember being scared, and I slightly remember the pain, but other than that...nothing.  
  
  
And a song someone sings   
Once upon a December  
  
  
A couple of months after it happened, I talked to Lindsey about it, letting her vent her fears and frustrations over the event. She doesn't seem to remember all that much either. Gil and I never talk about it. It's one of the many topics that remains silent between us. I had never thought about it before now, but I wonder how much he remembers.  
  
  
Someone holds me safe and warm  
Horses prance through a silver storm  
  
  
After I woke up, I remember Gil being there the entire time. He took the week off work and stayed with me. The only time he left was to go pick up Lindsey so she could visit too. In the entire time I was at the hospital, I never saw Eddie. Not once.  
  
  
Figures dancing gracefully  
Across my memory...   
  
  
He looked so tired today, when I yelled at him. In all the years I've known him, I've never seen him so tired. It hurts me that I'm probably the reason why he looks that way.  
  
  
Someone holds me safe and warm   
Horses prance through a silver storm   
Figures dancing gracefully  
Across my memory...  
  
  
He has never given me a reason not to believe him, not to trust him. He has never betrayed that trust.  
  
  
Far away, long ago  
Glowing dim as an ember,  
Things my heart used to know,  
Things it yearns to remember...  
  
  
I always figured that I was the only one who received lasting effects of my failed suicide attempts. Lindsey was clingy for awhile, but she seems to be fine for the most part now, and of course Eddie didn't really care all that much. But maybe, I'm not the only one who had a piece of me die that day, I'm not the only one who is haunted by my moment of weakness. I'm not the only survivor. I hurry out of bed and pull on my shoes, then run down the stairs and out the door.   
  
  
And a song someone sings  
  
  
I reach Grissom's door and stop. Suddenly, I'm scared to death to knock. After the way I acted before, he would have every right to turn me away. Frustrated, I try to wipe away the tears that are once again running down my face. Finally, I give up and ring the doorbell. He opens the door and is obviously surprised to see me again. I lift up my head and can feel the tears begin to run into my hair, "I'm sorry".  
  
  
Once upon a December  
  
TBC 


	3. Everything I Am

Title: Choices Regretted  
  
Chapter 3-Everything I Am  
  
Summary: You saw the best there was in me/ Lifted me up when I couldn't reach/ You gave me faith 'coz you believed/ I'm everything I am because you loved me   
  
Author's Notes: Well, this is probably going to be the last part in this story. Thanks for all of the feedback! The song Because You Loved Me is by Celine Dion. All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
  
  
For all those times you stood by me   
For all the truth that you made me see   
For all the joy you brought to my life   
For all the wrong that you made right   
For every dream you made come true   
For all the love I found in you   
I'll be forever thankful baby   
  
  
Without a word, Gil opens the door wider and allows me to enter. I feel more tears come to my eyes at his immediate acceptance of my apology. After all the things that I had said to him, he forgives me the moment I ask him to. I owe him so much.  
  
  
You're the one who saw me through   
Through it all   
  
  
I turn around to face him and, noticing that I'm crying again, he immediately wraps me in his arms and allows me to cry.  
  
  
You were my strength when I was weak   
You were my voice when I couldn't speak   
You were my eyes when I couldn't see   
You saw the best there was in me   
  
  
Pulling away, I again wipe away my tears while I try to speak, to explain and apologize. Grissom shakes his head and replaces my hands with his own, and continues wiping the tears from my face. "It's fine, everything's fine now."  
  
  
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach   
You gave me faith 'coz you believed   
I'm everything I am because you loved me   
  
  
I look at him, and I believe what he's telling me. Everything's alright because he's still here, standing with me, and as long as he does, everything will always be alright.  
  
  
You gave me wings and made me fly   
You touched my hand I could touch the sky   
  
  
Eventually, Grissom pulls away from me and heads further into the house. "I'm guessing you could use a drink", he calls back to me. Shaking my head, I follow him into the house. "Yeah", I chuckle.  
  
  
I lost my faith you gave it back to me   
You said no star was out of reach   
You stood by me and I stood tall   
I had your love I had it all   
  
  
He hands me my drink and joins me on the couch. "So where's Lindsey spending the weekend?"   
  
"Gil, about before..." He shakes his head. As far as he's concerned, the past is in the past. He's ready to move on. I swallow the tears that are once more threatening at his unwavering acceptance of me and manage to answer him, albeit a little wobbly. "I've got her. I thought I'd take her to the zoo on Saturday, since I have that evening off."  
  
  
I'm grateful for each day you gave me   
Maybe I don't know that much   
But I know this much is true   
I was blessed because I was loved by you   
  
  
He nods his head, "Sounds fun. Any plans for Sunday?" I shake my head. "Why don't you two come over and I'll make breakfast?"  
  
I smile, "that sounds good".   
  
  
You were my strength when I was weak   
You were my voice when I couldn't speak   
You were my eyes when I couldn't see   
You saw the best there was in me   
  
  
I look down into my drink. A thought that had run through my mind earlier won't leave me alone. As difficult as it's going to be, I know that I need to give it voice. "Gil-" I break off and look up at him. He looks back at me, waiting patiently for me to be able to continue.  
  
  
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach   
You gave me faith 'coz you believed   
I'm everything I am because you loved me   
  
  
I take a deep breath and start again. "Gil, how much do you remember?" He looks at me with confusion in his eyes. He gently takes my hand is his, "how much do I remember about what?"   
  
"How much do you remember about... about that day?" I know that I don't need to tell him what day I'm referring to.  
  
  
You were always there for me   
The tender wind that carried me   
A light in the dark shining your love into my life   
You've been my inspiration   
Through the lies you were the truth   
My world is a better place because of you   
  
  
He withdraws his hand from mine and stands up. He begins to pace back and forth as I watch. "I remember everything, why?"  
  
I flinch at the pain in his eyes as he speaks. I had put it there. "I'm sorry", I whisper.  
  
He stops his pacing and stands in front of me, "You told me that in the hospital."  
  
"I don't think it's something I could ever say enough."  
  
Gil kneels down in front of me and again takes my hands, "As long as you keep your promise to never do it again, what you've said already is enough."  
  
"I won't, I promise."  
  
"That's all I ask."  
  
  
You were my strength when I was weak   
You were my voice when I couldn't speak   
You were my eyes when I couldn't see   
You saw the best there was in me   
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach   
You gave me faith 'coz you believed   
  
  
I look at him and know it's true. That's all he would ever ask of me. I could do what he asked. I smile. "Okay".  
  
  
I'm everything I am because you loved me  
  
  
Finis? 


	4. I Close My Eyes

Title: Choices Regretted  
  
Epilogue-I Close My Eyes  
  
Summary:I close my eyes/ I try to sleep I can't forget you/ And I'd do anything for you  
  
Author's Notes: I didn't really like the way I had ended this story, and I know others wanted me to continue it, but I couldn't find a song that worked. Thankfully, Amanda suggested someone use this song in a fic, and it fit perfectly! So, here's a short epilogue in Grissom's POV. The song I'd Do Anything is by Simple Plan. All other notes and stuff are in the first chapter.  
  
  
I'd do anything  
Just to hold you in my arms  
To try and make you laugh  
  
  
I look down at Catherine, who's asleep in my arms. After the headiness of our conversation, we decided a light movie was in order. She fell asleep about half-way through, but I don't mind.  
  
  
'Cause somehow I can't put you in the past  
  
  
I can't really blame her, today was draining. But as hard as it was, things that needed to be said were finally voiced. We needed to lay the past to rest.  
  
  
I'd do anything  
Just to fall asleep with you  
  
  
I lean back my head and allow my own eyes to fall closed. Today drained both of us.  
  
  
Will you remember me  
'Cause I know I won't forget you  
I close my eyes  
And all I see is you   
  
  
But as tired as I am, I can't seem to sleep. Instead, I continually replay our conversations in my head. I've never felt more tired than I did this morning, when she demanded answers I just couldn't give. And later, when she asked me about how much I remembered, I wanted to cover my ears like a child, and block her out. I remember everything, how could I not?  
  
  
I close my eyes  
I try to sleep I can't forget you  
  
  
I once again close my eyes, and finally begin to drift off to sleep. The last thing I'm conscious of is Cath's slow, even breathing, and I smile. She's still here.  
  
  
And I'd do anything for you  
  
  
Finis(for real this time) 


End file.
